Behind the "BAR"

My first Southern Leyte escape. 

Everybody who entered college aspired to take the board examinations for their respective courses, of course. I was one of those aspirants too when my mom asked me to take the challenge four years back. Yes, that was before because now it’s no more. I lost my direction and inspiration.

I even lost reasons to celebrate my birthday. What for? I long for a reason why should I survive each day. I traveled a lot just to feel that I am not alone in this world. I worked with the community to feel that I belong to their hearts. After the day I lost her, nobody asks me if how it was going, if I ate my meal, I am tired, where I am going etc. All those questions eventually lost and never heard at all.

After the funeral march, it seems that my heart was not pumping. I’m breathing, but I don’t feel anything. I don’t know if where I was able to get this kind of strength I have right now. Being alone is very hard to understand. Why did God let me be alone? Someone told me that maybe there is God’s purpose.

I did my best to do what she want me to have –it’s to have a degree of Bachelor of Laws. I was able to graduate, but she was not anymore with me. I’m tired of asking God why. I missed my mom. Why her? It pains me to remember her loss. I work hard to help other people to stand up and rise again after having been devastated by the storm. I want to earn something for my review, but I can’t.

There are lots of things to consider. First, I should think that no one supports me but myself. Second, I am not financially capacitated for taking the review. Third, I am not an ordinary law graduate who after college will plan for their review classes. I am an orphan and I should work for me to eat and to pay the rent of my room.

Those reasons made me realize that I am not destined for that profession. If I take the risk and take the exam and fail, the thousands of money I spent will be lost like bubbles in the air. My cousins were asking money because of the absence of a job and for the payment of their rent etc. It pains me because I wasn’t able to help them well. I felt that all burdens in the world were now in my shoulder. I wish I could help them all.

Recently, I attended a workshop in Baybay City where after the program somebody whom I recognized that he is the CDRRMO of Baybay City approached me and pat my back and say “taga san ka? Samar?” I said, from Tacloban Sir. “Ah, I see. Bright girl”, he said.

He held my hand and shook it with a smile. I smiled back and say thank you awkwardly. It was after I talk in front of them for on how will be our commitment in addressing the identified problem during the emergency response. I was shocked by his recognition because I wasn’t expected it at all.

Then, the other day my friend whom I worked with last year pushed me to try my luck in taking the ADB Scholarship abroad. Again, it was really flattering. The push was from the editor-in-chief of ADB Magazine. And that’s really something for me.

As days goes by, I still think of where I am going and what will happen to me in the future. There are lots of questions in my mind. Will there be someone to take the journey with me?